My Fingernails are Broken, I'm going Insane

                                          There I am, taking a shot on Goal in Warm ups.

When the hell is this winter going to be over?   Didn't Mother Nature get the memo that spring started March 20th?  We just had 6 inches of snow yesterday.  I like winter about as much as I like getting up for work each morning.  Winter is death to me.  All the trees have no leaves and the flowers are gone.  Its as cold as a corpse on the undertakers slab.  I can't play tennis or go running.  I can't go out in shorts & T Shirt, ride in my car with the windows down and my stereo blaring Morrissey or The Smiths.  I am so pathetic I wake up each morning and count the number of days till spring starts.  Well now that spring has started, it still appears to be winter.  My patience is wearing thin.

I pass the time in winter by playing Ice Hockey.  Playing hockey somewhat makes winter tolerable for me.
I stink at Hockey like everything else I do in life but at least it is something to do.  After the game some of my teammates and I go to the club for some beer.  Now there is something I am good at, I can drink a lot of beer.  But I drink Lite beer so therefor I am a lightweight.  I also workout at home everyday after work with weights and my exercise bike but I am going stir crazy being cooped up inside.

Spring is supposed to be rejuvenation.  The trees blossoming, flowers blooming. and the temperature warming.  This means life to me.  I can get out and start running and playing tennis.  No more being caged up like some prisoner at a state pen.  Maybe this is all a dream?  Maybe I'm in Purgatory, stuck in limbo with a winter that never ends.  Oh wait the Church said there is no Purgatory anymore, I forgot.  So this could be Hell for me.  My Hell wouldn't be hot, it would be being stuck in permanently cold weather with snow.  So I have no choice but to wait with utmost impatience for this endless winter to be over.  Writing about it made me feel slightly better.  The first 75 degree day will send me into untold bliss.

Heal Thyself Moz

Morrissey's US Tour has been cancelled due to health reasons.  Moz had been recovering from a bleeding ulcer and Barrett's esophagus and resumed touring.  He has just recently been diagnosed with double pneumonia.  It is a wise decision to cancel.  The main thing is for Morrissey to get his health back.  So rest relaxation and nutrition are most important now.  I cannot imagine a world without Morrissey.  He has influenced and touched so many lives.  I so care for this man, I cannot put it in words. His loyal fans are all praying for him to recover and be fully healthy no matter how long it takes. Moz, you are in our hearts and minds, get better and we will all be here waiting for your triumphant return.
With Much Love,
Harrison

I've Gone to Look for America

Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Malcom X, Medgar Evers, 20 5 & 6 year olds & 6 staff @ Newtown Conn., Columbine, Virginia Tech, Sikh Temple, Tupac Shakur, Biggie Smalls, Numerous Police Officers, Domestic Violence Victims, Black on Black Crime Victims,  Accidental Victims, Kent State, Trayvon Martin, Aurora Movie Theatre, Gabby Giffords Townhall Meeting,  Countless High School Shootings,  Workplace shootings, 11,000 US citizens per year die from gun violence.   How many more innocent children have to needlessly die from guns?  Now don't you think the USA needs some sort of Gun Control?

I Was Born One Morning When the Sun Didn't Shine

I have never told a soul that when I was 13, I was molested by some stranger in the Mall.  Why now?  I just feel it should be written. This way there is a record.   I'm not looking for pity or sympathy.  Just stating a fact.  I never told anyone at the time because I was so embarrassed and frightened, I didn't know what to do, so I kept it to myself.  I'm not going into details but I was there by myself and not paying attention and this man cornered me.  It was over quickly and I was stunned.  I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing, told nobody.  Suffered the shame in silence through the years.  Even now I feel rather queasy writing about it because its a stigma, a black mark. Its like I'm damaged goods.  Yes it was damaging at the time.  I couldn't sleep right for awhile.  I became even more isolated and distant.  Time goes on and memories dim somewhat.  I had no one to tell that I could trust.  I look back now and wonder how I went on but I did.

I am pretty much over it by now, very seldom ever think of it.  It was just another scar of life that you cannot see but doesn't really heal too well on the inside.  So yea because of it, I really don't trust people very much or it takes me a long time to develop any trust in someone.  I am painfully shy around strangers.  I am quite awkward socially.  Its ok, I live with it and its fine.  I have friends but I would call them more like acquaintances because they don't really know the real me, the part that's inside I don't make public.  Again its ok, I survive with internal strength.

I was outside the other day doing some exercises.  It was very cold and I noticed a small bird on a limb near me.  He was just sitting there watching me (probably wondering what that idiot was doing).  He seemed cold, lonely and hungry shivering on his limb.  I decided to put some bread out every once and awhile and he can get some food and comfort from it in the cold.  After some reflection I thought, yes that bird is me.  Cold, lonely and hungry but not physically hungry.  My hunger is for understanding, knowledge, reason, explaining the non explainable and maybe even someone to lean on emotionally.  So many questions. Wondering why we are put on this earth?  What purpose am I here for?   Is this all there is?  Does it get any better than this?  Why do things happen the way they do?

As I continue to muddle my way through life I will ponder these questions.  Searching for answers that I will never find in most cases. Trying to improve my life and treating other folks with respect and honor.  Did writing this change anything?  Not particularly.  I wanted to write about it and I did.  I don't feel any better or worse.  It was something that happened that changed my life and me.  I wasn't a child anymore after it, the innocence was gone.  You can't get that back.  I'm kind of amazed that I got this far in life after the horrid incident.  So once again, no pity, no sympathy just a small slice of life written down and noted.

Back Where You Belong!

Morrissey has returned to the stage after recovery from several ailments.  He played a show in San Diego and then on March 1 a triumphant affair at the Staples Center.  He also played at the Hollywood High School which sold out in 12 seconds.  I watched several clips from the Staples Center show.  Moz looks and sounds fantastic.  The encore at Staples was "The Boy With the Thorn in His Side" which is a personal favorite of mine.  The Blue Rose ring was also passed to Our Moz in LA.  I'm anxiously waiting to see what happens with Moz  and The Blue Rose Society after this significant event.  Once again, Viva Morrissey!!
Back where he belongs, thrilling his legions of fans, on the stage singing and performing his beautiful music.

Miss Shirley Bassey

Incomparable Class, Elegance, Grace, Style and Damn it can she SING!!!

And I'm Turning to You to Save Me

Yes, a Morrissey song and lyrics saved my life some years ago.  "How Soon is Now" helped to stop me from doing something stupid and for that I am eternally grateful to Morrissey.  What happened is far too complicated and painful to explain and write about now.  Someday I will.  His songs helped me through many a troubled time.  When I had nobody to talk to and no one who cared.  I could listen to Morrissey and I felt comforted.  There was someone out there who knew what I was going through.  The reason I am writing this is that I saw on True to you a post from Morrissey about seeing Kirk Douglas the other day while on a stroll.  Apparently Douglas is someone Morrissey admires.  He wrote about deciding whether to approach him and in the end he didn't.  This got me to thinking.  What would I do if I saw Morrissey out in public.  Would I approach him or would decide to leave him alone?

I admire Morrissey for many reasons, his music has been the soundtrack of my life.  He and his music are intelligent, he is independent, he has integrity and of course most of all his music did save me.  So the question is what would I do if I saw him?  I honestly don't know.  I am very shy around strangers and basically never talk to anyone I don't know.  Is Morrissey really a stranger?  It seems like I know him through his lyrics.  I believe he is a very complex individual, there is more to him than just his lyrics and stage persona.  So no, I don't really know him.  I have seen clips of him meeting fans, signing autographs and posing for pictures.  He is always very gracious and is very accommodating.  I think it would get old to be constantly bothered by fans and such.  So in that sense my instinct would be to not interrupt him and let him have his privacy.

In my heart though I want to thank him in person for writing such beautiful songs and for basically helping to save my life.  Now how would I approach Morrissey?  I cant imagine just walking up to him and saying "Hi Morrissey".  It seems so tacky for someone of Morrissey's stature.  I was thinking I could memorize a witty Oscar Wilde quote and say Hello with the quote.  Well that would be real unoriginal.  I'm sure Morrissey would think, get me away from this loser.  So that idea is out the window.  How do you approach someone you admire when you feel you cant match up with his intelligence, wit and charm?  How could I tell Morrissey the story of how his song saved my life, what his music has meant to me and thank him in a 1 minute chance encounter on a street?

The answer is I don't think I would approach Morrissey if I saw him.  I admire him beyond what words I could write or say to him.  He has fans bother him all the time and I think he deserves some privacy and to enjoy his stroll without being interrupted.  He knows how much his fans love him and how much his music has affected peoples lives.  I would be disappointed in not meeting him but satisfied I got to see him and know I didn't get in the way of his thoughts and enjoyment of doing what he was doing.  Well this was all hypothetical, its never gonna happen and that's ok.  I still wish I could thank him.  Its something that will always be in the back of my mind, wishing I could meet him but knowing I never will.  Its part of life.  There are a thousand things in life you can have and a million things you can't have.