No Longer a friend

until the bitter end.

                                                                 My Friends

Yesterday I lost a friend.  I'm starting to feel a little less depressed and disappointed but the sadness is still there.  I don't have that many friends, which makes it worse.  This person did something inconceivable to me related to tennis.  Obviously, it didn't bother him but was quite upsetting to me.
So now the ties are severed and each goes separate ways.

I have never been able to easily make friends.  I am shy, uneasy and unsettled around unfamiliar people.  I don't trust people I don't know.  Possibly from past experiences, getting used by people with an agenda.  So now I feel most people have some type of hidden agenda so its not worth getting too close or I will get used and abused again.  I prefer my own company most of the time.  I am not lonely though.   Unfortunately, I find many humans to be uninteresting, unintelligent and dull.  Sounds elitist right?  I am the furthest thing from an elitist.  I am not very smart, good looking or interesting and I know it.  I just find most people to be not worth my time.  So hence, I have very few friends.
The friends I do have, I treasure and am very loyal.  Still, we aren't that close that they know my innermost thoughts and desires.  Maybe if they did, they would desert me also.

This situation reminds me of an episode I saw of the old show "Spenser for Hire".  There was a police lieutenant who was close to Spenser that the Mob tried to murder.  At the end of the show the lieutenant retires and moves far away with his wife.  As he drives away, Spenser talks about how people come into your life and then they go, never to be seen again.  It made me sad but it is so true.  Think through your life of the people who were part of it and then for some reason they leave, then they are "Only a Memory".

                                                                   Only a Memory

I stared up at the dark grey sky today, thinking.  I thought I saw a Crack in the Clouds and a small ray of sunshine but it quickly went away as did any hope of a wonderful day.  I wish I could be the quiet village boy who takes leave of his life and walks off into the mountains.

                                                          A Crack in the Clouds

Magic

                                                   
                                                                      My back yard

This time of year is magic to me.  The trees are all green and full with leaves.  The flowers are blooming.  The birds are playfully singing their lovely songs for all to hear.  The bees are buzzing around on their never ending missions.  I looked out the window today and saw 2 magnificent deer feeding on some bushes.  Nature is so awe inspiring, I need to take time every once and awhile to appreciate it.   Late spring and summer are here and gone so quickly.  I want to slow this time of year down and make it last as long as possible.

                                                                     Magic

It won't last.  It never does.  I don't care for the four seasons.  It should just be warm year round and I would be quite content.  Some people like winter, not me.  Cooped up inside like a trapped animal is not the way I care to live.  When I think of My Back Pages, it's funny I feel this way because I play Ice Hockey.  Actually, Ice Hockey is the only thing that keeps me sane in the winter.  No point in talking about it now, as I know is coming but not for awhile.  You know after last winter, I can honestly say "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."

                                                              My Back Pages

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
Good and bad, I define these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow

Try to Remember

When its deep in December, I will try to remember this time of year.

No No No No

A beautiful, radiant light that graced this world has been extinguished.  Her prose and poems will live on into eternity.  Our generation has and future generations will be enriched by the life of this lovely lady.  Rest in Peace Maya Angelou, in the knowledge, the world is a much better place because of you.
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps

on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom. 

Maya Angelou

Istanbul

I rarely ever get chills when I listen to a song.  When a song gives me chills, its special and unique.  I had the pleasure of being able to listen to Istanbul today by Morrissey.  Right from the start, I was riveted with the haunting music and the augural, fateful lyrics.  Our Moz's voice sounds wonderfully euphonious, never better!!  I listened to the song several times and each time there were chills.  This song is amoungst Moz's best.  Its a breathtaking piece of music.  We are so lucky to have Our Moz and his musical, lyrical and poetic genius.

Paradox

                                                    I wonder what my reaction will be,

                                                   When I lean into a pine box

                                                   And see the body lying there is me.

Timeless Skies

Another weekend is fading fast.  Tomorrow returns the usual grind of common life.  Time rushes by as does water over a dam.  Nothing in particular was accomplished but that is not unusual.  If being content and somewhat lazy was revered, I would be King.  As I gradually fritter my life away on mostly insignificant pursuits, I wonder who I am and what am I doing here.

The Logical Song is a very truthful look at our culture.  When I was young I was so sweet and naïve
and from the moment I first went to school, all of my innocence was trampled on and destroyed forever.  So yes, I became logical, practical, responsible, acceptable, respectable, presentable but I hope not a vegetable.  The lazier I become, the closer I move towards being a zombie.  As an attempt to battle slothfulness, I decided each evening to read an hour of poetry and prose from a different author.  Last week was Keats, Yeats, Tennyson and Baudelaire.  I found it much more entertaining than watching TV.  The words written by these 4 incredible poets are astounding and so well crafted.
I am just slightly jealous, wishing I could have the skill and genius to write such exquisite words.
I try to think how to get out of the trap I am caught in and realize there is no escape.  For one with no exceptional gifts, the only solution is acceptance of the inevitable.

I used to hold tightly to my Daddy's hand and every night kiss both parents before I went to bed.
It was in some distant land.  I remember it and sometimes I long for that feeling of comfort, warmth and love.  Something went wrong.  Am I to blame or not to blame or a little of both?  The trials and tribulations of life were rough for a naïve, innocent boy.  I truly used to be a sweet boy but that boy is long gone, replaced by logical, practical, respectable, acceptable, etc.

 

Time is quickly running through my fingers on its ever present march forward.   So many fragments linger of both good and bad moments.  Is the secret to remember the positives and forget the horrid?  Or maybe learn lessons from the terrible times?  Why do some people seem to skate through life without a care and others get scarred from life's experiences.  Each one seemingly tearing another small piece of the soul and slowly suffocating existence.  I will ponder these questions as I wander the timeless skies, in the alluring moments, in my snug cocoon, as I drift into the invulnerable veil of sleep.

Corybantic Times

Good times for a change.  This week starts my tennis season.  I have been longing for this moment for many months.  It was a particularly brutal winter.  We had record cold temps, it felt like it was unending.  I can't think of anything I desire more than being on the tennis court (or a Morrissey show) on a beautiful summer evening.  At that moment in time all in the world is right for me.

Ice Hockey was quite barbarous on my body this year.  I sustained a partially torn MCL and my elbow and shoulder were mangled from a vile slewfoot from another player.

Fortunately, I have survived those incidents, sore and bruised but intact and am ready to move on to tennis.  This past Friday was my last hockey game and thankfully I was comfortably numb after the game, courtesy of about 20 cans of beer.

I was trying to remember what the door mouse said but the white knight was talking backward, so I didn't know what to do.  The men on the chessboard got up and told me where go, thankfully I didn't have some kind of mushroom (I don't do drugs) so my mind wasn't moving low, just very slow.  Obviously, logic and proportion were not quite sloppy dead at that moment, so I went to bed!!!

The other piece of wonderful news is Our Moz has returned to touring.  He looks and sounds spectacular!!

The set list for the new tour is outstanding.  Ganglord, First of The Gang to Die, Asleep, Hand in Glove,  I Know its Gonna Happen Someday, Yes, I am Blind and 3 songs from his new album.  The new songs sound great.  The Bullfighter Dies is particularly good.  He is also singing The Blue Rose Society anthem, Trouble Loves Me!!  WOW!!  Moz took a Blue Rose from Devan at The Santa Ana Observatory show and wore it on his jacket!!  Of course its all just a coincidence, I must be off of my psychotropic meds.  Wait, I just got a call from Berggasse 19, Vienna,  I have been diagnosed as Maladjusted.

Yes, life has been quite corybantic lately and its a good thing.  Although I am no longer a Corybant, I am almost over Cybele banning me from her court to Pittsburgh for being a total bore.  So I can still be and plan on being corybantic frequently this summer.