No Longer a friend

until the bitter end.

                                                                 My Friends

Yesterday I lost a friend.  I'm starting to feel a little less depressed and disappointed but the sadness is still there.  I don't have that many friends, which makes it worse.  This person did something inconceivable to me related to tennis.  Obviously, it didn't bother him but was quite upsetting to me.
So now the ties are severed and each goes separate ways.

I have never been able to easily make friends.  I am shy, uneasy and unsettled around unfamiliar people.  I don't trust people I don't know.  Possibly from past experiences, getting used by people with an agenda.  So now I feel most people have some type of hidden agenda so its not worth getting too close or I will get used and abused again.  I prefer my own company most of the time.  I am not lonely though.   Unfortunately, I find many humans to be uninteresting, unintelligent and dull.  Sounds elitist right?  I am the furthest thing from an elitist.  I am not very smart, good looking or interesting and I know it.  I just find most people to be not worth my time.  So hence, I have very few friends.
The friends I do have, I treasure and am very loyal.  Still, we aren't that close that they know my innermost thoughts and desires.  Maybe if they did, they would desert me also.

This situation reminds me of an episode I saw of the old show "Spenser for Hire".  There was a police lieutenant who was close to Spenser that the Mob tried to murder.  At the end of the show the lieutenant retires and moves far away with his wife.  As he drives away, Spenser talks about how people come into your life and then they go, never to be seen again.  It made me sad but it is so true.  Think through your life of the people who were part of it and then for some reason they leave, then they are "Only a Memory".

                                                                   Only a Memory

I stared up at the dark grey sky today, thinking.  I thought I saw a Crack in the Clouds and a small ray of sunshine but it quickly went away as did any hope of a wonderful day.  I wish I could be the quiet village boy who takes leave of his life and walks off into the mountains.

                                                          A Crack in the Clouds