I Was Born One Morning When the Sun Didn't Shine

I have never told a soul that when I was 13, I was molested by some stranger in the Mall.  Why now?  I just feel it should be written. This way there is a record.   I'm not looking for pity or sympathy.  Just stating a fact.  I never told anyone at the time because I was so embarrassed and frightened, I didn't know what to do, so I kept it to myself.  I'm not going into details but I was there by myself and not paying attention and this man cornered me.  It was over quickly and I was stunned.  I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing, told nobody.  Suffered the shame in silence through the years.  Even now I feel rather queasy writing about it because its a stigma, a black mark. Its like I'm damaged goods.  Yes it was damaging at the time.  I couldn't sleep right for awhile.  I became even more isolated and distant.  Time goes on and memories dim somewhat.  I had no one to tell that I could trust.  I look back now and wonder how I went on but I did.

I am pretty much over it by now, very seldom ever think of it.  It was just another scar of life that you cannot see but doesn't really heal too well on the inside.  So yea because of it, I really don't trust people very much or it takes me a long time to develop any trust in someone.  I am painfully shy around strangers.  I am quite awkward socially.  Its ok, I live with it and its fine.  I have friends but I would call them more like acquaintances because they don't really know the real me, the part that's inside I don't make public.  Again its ok, I survive with internal strength.

I was outside the other day doing some exercises.  It was very cold and I noticed a small bird on a limb near me.  He was just sitting there watching me (probably wondering what that idiot was doing).  He seemed cold, lonely and hungry shivering on his limb.  I decided to put some bread out every once and awhile and he can get some food and comfort from it in the cold.  After some reflection I thought, yes that bird is me.  Cold, lonely and hungry but not physically hungry.  My hunger is for understanding, knowledge, reason, explaining the non explainable and maybe even someone to lean on emotionally.  So many questions. Wondering why we are put on this earth?  What purpose am I here for?   Is this all there is?  Does it get any better than this?  Why do things happen the way they do?

As I continue to muddle my way through life I will ponder these questions.  Searching for answers that I will never find in most cases. Trying to improve my life and treating other folks with respect and honor.  Did writing this change anything?  Not particularly.  I wanted to write about it and I did.  I don't feel any better or worse.  It was something that happened that changed my life and me.  I wasn't a child anymore after it, the innocence was gone.  You can't get that back.  I'm kind of amazed that I got this far in life after the horrid incident.  So once again, no pity, no sympathy just a small slice of life written down and noted.